What to do if she just disappears.
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to…Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I came across some of your helpful advice via a Google search and figured I'd ask a neutral party their thoughts as friends/family/co-workers tend to judge.
My girlfriend and I met in January of this year, and it's been amazing ever since. We're both nerds, love the same shows, have read so much literature that our conversations never run cold, and we work in the same industry.
I'm crazy for her, she makes me laugh, she's my favorite person to spend time with, and she gets me in a way nobody else does. We text or call daily, and video chat late into the night.
Two Saturdays ago, I took her out for date night after a long work week. When I returned to her place to drop her off, I was asked in, and things got intimate. However, right before 4th base (I'm never sure how these bases work), she asked if we could talk. She started to cry and told me she was unable to relax certain muscles in order to have sex, and to do so would be extremely painful. Endometriosis, I believe, is the correct term.
I wiped her tears away, kissed her, and said there's no rush and I'm not going anywhere, and that my attraction to her, my whole reason for being in this relationship, goes far beyond sex alone. We held each other for a little while and then I took my leave to head home (I'm about an hour drive away via freeway).
Contact was pretty light the next couple days, but communication was there. She even asked if I'd be her date to a company function. However, last Thursday she texted me on her lunch break from work saying she was sorry she missed my call from the night before, and also she didn't want to go to the company function due to where it'd be located. I texted back saying that's fine and lets go for a hike together or catch a movie.
That was the last contact I've heard from her. She's not returning my texts, answering my phone calls, nothing. We've been dating over nine months, so we're past the point where I should be ghosted. And for what reason? I can see building a future with this amazing woman, but this past week has been nothing short of torturous.
What should I do?
I don't want to give up on this relationship, I want it to work. I stopped dating in my college years to now (31/M) because I never met someone who got me. Now I have and I can't just let that go. I'd hate to just show up unannounced or seem needy/clingy or desperate… I just don't know what to do.
Thank you in advance for listening at least, I do feel the slightest bit better just by writing all this down.
A.
There is clearly some missing information here. For a partner to disappear completely like this, there must be something that she is withholding and afraid to tell you.
It sounds like you showed compassion and understanding when it came to her physical condition and intimacy. I’m wondering if you were aware of her discomfort before. It didn’t sound like this was the first time you were having sex, but maybe it was.
We can assume that that incident is connected to her withdrawal from you, but we really don’t know. So, what do you do now?
I appreciate that you want to respect her space. Showing up unannounced is probably not the right strategy. (But, I would check in with social media or one of her friends or family members to ensure that she is alive and well — because you never know.)
You do have the right to communicate what you are feeling. As you mentioned at the end of your email, you felt better after writing this down.
Write to her.
I would send a letter in lieu of an email, but email would be okay, too. Come to her from a place of love and honesty.
And then, if she doesn’t respond, as painful as it is, you need to let her go. Even if this relationship comes to an end in this sad and confusing way, take heart in the fact that there ARE other people out there who can and will “get you.” It may seem like you waited a long time to find someone who did. But, stay open to the possibility that there are others who will, too. Others who are ready for a relationship with you.
Take the time you need to heal from this and set your focus on the qualities you want in a future partner.
If you have a question for me about love, sex, relationships, breakups, what I’m reading (Still- Witches of America because I’ve been a little distracted this week), how to get through the aftermath of this facacta election, Celestite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo
